The Savvy Communicator
A lively interview show about how to talk when you’re not sure what to say.
The Savvy Communicator
Loving The Way You Parent: Building Strong Communications With Your Child. Featuring Rosemary Clark.
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Ever wondered if your baby is secretly masterminding ways to manipulate you? Our expert guest, Rosemary Clark, debunks this myth and dives into the nuances of positive parenting communication techniques. Rosemary sheds light on how misconceptions about children can create unnecessary conflict in parent-child relationships. Learn how recognizing that boundary-testing is a natural part of development can transform frustrations into joyful interactions.
Transitioning from toddlerhood to the teenage years presents emotional challenges for every parent. Rosemary offers valuable insights into managing these dynamics, from welcoming a new sibling to fostering independence during adolescence. Discover the power of "saying what you see" to validate your child's feelings and strengthen your bond, no matter their age. Rosemary's practical advice helps navigate the complexities of evolving relationships with children, ensuring a stable connection through each developmental stage.
Empowering children through validation and affirmation is key to fostering their self-motivation and positive self-perception. Rosemary shares compelling examples, illustrating how recognizing a child's internal strengths can lead to more constructive behaviors. By inviting children into problem-solving and addressing challenging communications with understanding, parents can nurture their children's growth and development within established boundaries. Tune in to uncover how improved communication strategies can lead to stronger, more fulfilling parent-child relationships.
Learn more about Rosemary and her teaching courses at www.lovethewayyouparent.com
This is a show where ideas come together. The guest statements expressed on The Savvy Communicator Podcast are their own and not necessarily the views of The Savvy Communicator.
Thanks for joining us! Become part of the conversation at www.savvycommunicator.com, and follow me on social media: my handle is @savvycommunicator.
Positive Parenting Communication Techniques
Speaker 1Do you love the way you parent? Would you like to? On today's episode of the Savvy Communicator, our expert guest, rosemary Clark, will talk to us about how to positively communicate with children, families, even your own self. I'm your host, amy Flanagan. Hello.
Speaker 2Rosemary. Welcome to the show. Hi, amy, it's so good to be here.
Speaker 1It's great to have you. I want to just jump right in and one of the first things that I noticed is your email address, which is lovetheyouparent at gmailcom, and that's going to be important for our listeners. Love the way you parent, do you think a lot of people don't love the way they parent?
Speaker 2That's a really good question.
Speaker 2I think that some people do, but I think that parenting can be one of the most draining, most difficult, most confusing jobs that you know somebody can have.
Speaker 2And it's not really a job per se, but it's a role that we play, you know, and I think it's something also that we're really figuring out in our society. We've been making some big changes over the last couple of generations and I think that parenting, you know, is such an important role and everybody's going to be different, right, it's a whole spectrum of how important people feel it is for them, but it's such an important role for most people that I think most people would love to love the way that they parent. If it's, if it feels like a, you know, a fairly major role, maybe your job's, you know, a little bit more of a role for you, or maybe parenting's more of a role for you, or maybe they're bound so I don't know for the people listening but you know to have something that's such a major part of your life and it's, again, some of the most important relationships you'll ever have. That, of course, it's something that I think people would want to love at the very least.
Speaker 1I should add a disclaimer at this point. I am not a parent, so I have done some parent-adjacent activities and looking after people, but I can't say that I've parented. So I may ask some silly questions and you can just correct me and be like that's not what I mean.
Speaker 2I'm sure your questions will all be great.
Speaker 1So, in talking about direct communication, especially with children and teen, I'm so excited to explore this topic with you. What are some of the things that you think get in the way of direct communication?
Speaker 2Anyways, one of the things that I really see massively getting in the way is society has given us these really crappy things to believe about kids, and our beliefs really affect the way that we treat other people. It affects the way that we do everything. Actually, language of listening says that people act according to who they believe they are, and so even the way that we show up in the world is very, very, you know, affected by what we believe and, of course, our beliefs. Very much excuse me, of course our beliefs very much affect our communication. So I really think that, yeah, it's really these crappy beliefs that the world has given us that really can mess up our communication with our kids which then really affects the relationship as a whole.
Speaker 2Yeah, what are some of the crappy things, yeah, so the one that always comes to my mind is, you know, this idea that babies are manipulative, like it's such a funny thing to think because, like manipulation actually takes such intricate brain development and brain working. There's so many layers that have to be present there before somebody can actually manipulate somebody else that it's just not possible. And there's so many unfortunate things that come about as a result of that belief. Because it's one of many beliefs that really I see like drive a wedge in the relationship between parent and child. They really start to make parents believe that their children are their adversaries or their enemies in some ways. And so I really, I really hate anything when I see that you know it's a belief or it's something else in the world that's really driving a wedge in that relationship, because that relationship is so foundational and so important and it can bring so much joy and so much goodness. And when there's wedges being thrown in there for no reason, you know, even saying like that child is testing your boundaries. Don't let them do that. And we fall back to these beliefs, because parenting can feel like it can be a very large shock. It can be be a really really big shock.
Speaker 2I feel like the biggest shock that I had was when my second child was born, mostly because I could fully pour myself into my first child because she was the only one, but then there was two. I had no idea how to split myself fully to two people. You know, it wasn't possible and that's where a lot of my frustrations started showing up. It's these beliefs that, like I had to show up fully and I had to erase myself. Those are some of the beliefs that we have in our world and this idea of going back to that thing that I said about they're testing your boundaries don't let them do that.
Speaker 2That kind of an idea was like they kind of need to test our boundaries, and it's not that they're testing them to like because they want to get out of it. They're testing because they want to actually clearly know what your boundaries are, because they actually care. Kids want to know what the boundaries are. They want to know how the world works right and you're kind of their first gateway to how the world works and the way that they're supposed to do things. That belief doesn't help at all. It actually hinders, it drives a wedge.
Speaker 1Sure. So essentially what you're saying is that when children do these things like test boundaries, it's important for us to not necessarily welcome that behavior, but understand it's not an adversarial behavior. You know, our children aren't out to get us.
Speaker 2Yeah, yes, exactly yeah. And because that belief is really going to change the way that you react to the child. Mm-hmm, right, I can see that, yeah. And then language of listening says like, well, language of listening says change what you see and your reactions are going to change. So change what you see when you're looking at the child.
Speaker 2So perhaps a child, your child, is talking back to you and you think again, we go back to society's beliefs, right, we go back to. This. Job feels really, really hard. What am I go back to this? This job feels really, really hard. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to believe?
Speaker 2Um, and so we might say well, I'll know, talking back's not okay, right, instead in language, and then I should say talking back is not okay, and then we're going to react in that way. Right, again there's that adversarial piece showing up, um, but instead of what we see is the child, that this child is really good at speaking out for themselves and standing up for themselves. Right, that's actually a strength. There's something that we might call a hidden strength, because at first we think it's rude, right, but you can think to yourself and I don't like the way the child is using that strength in this moment.
Speaker 2You can still have boundaries, right, you can still not like the behavior and shift the behavior, but then in that situation what's happening is, instead of clamping down on the strength the child actually has and teaching them that it's not acceptable, what you're doing is you're really actually drawing that strength to the surface, but teaching the child how to use that strength in an appropriate way, in a way that's going to benefit them personally, but also relationally, socially benefit them. And so you see, there's so much more value in that situation. When you change what you see and your reaction change changed as a result of changing what you saw, you know then you're able to draw that strength out and then, instead of crushing it or pushing it aside, right, and then your child's behavior is going to change. So just that first step of changing what you see when you look at your child is going to change the way that you respond to them, change what you say to them, change the way you communicate, and that's going to help shift their behavior in a really positive, very helpful way.
Speaker 1I love that, and what it really sounds like to me is that it's also giving you back some of the control you don't feel you have. Yeah, if a child is talking back to you that you know and I've experienced that when you know baby sad or things like that, and the first thing it does is frighten me because it's like I don't know how to handle this, Look how self-aware you are.
Speaker 2Yes.
Speaker 1Oh good, and but I hadn't thought of it in terms of something that I can use to improve communication and strengthen the child going forward, you know, to other things. That's really fascinating. I really like that a lot it's fun, isn't it I?
Speaker 2think it's so fun.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I would assume most parents need more fun. Oh wait, that they're not getting enough. No doubt, yeah, no doubt, yeah. Well, that's one of the things I love about being an aunt it's like you need a break. Let me take them. You know, we'll go out for the afternoon or we'll have a sleepover or something and you can have some fun, and you know, yeah, that's just one of my favorite things. So, so you have a particular model that you use called the language of listening. Yeah, language of listening is the parenting model that you use, called the language of listening.
Speaker 2Yeah, language of listening is the parenting model that I'm trained in. It's a model that I use teach and love. It's created by a lady named Sandy Blackard and it really was. You know, finding it was such a huge shift in my life. It made such a huge shift.
Speaker 2You know, I didn't like the way that I was parented. I actually had an abusive childhood. I wanted things to be different for my kids and I thought that I thought I had it all figured out because I had it. I had the ideas in my head. You know, that I was going to do things different, but I didn't have the tools. And this is where language of listening really really came in and started to change so much for me, and a big piece of it was that it actually gives us new helpful beliefs about our kids and even about ourselves, you know, because I needed that to actually was able to use this model to reparent myself after a difficult childhood. But I could do that. Yeah, I could do that at the same time as I, as I was learning how to parent my children in a way that I loved. Right, this was me parenting my children in a way that I loved.
Speaker 1Yeah Well, what strength that must take to be able to do both at the same time be able to re-evaluate yourself as you're guiding your children.
Speaker 2Oh, thank you, that sounds yeah, that sounds amazing.
Speaker 1So if you have a parent coming to you to learn more about this model, well, first I would say you know, clients, that you have that. Come to you. What is the spur that brings them in? What is the major thing that happens that lets them say, okay, I need to try something.
Parenting Through Changing Relationships
Speaker 2Yeah, I guess it really varies from parent to parent. There's so many different stories out there and there's so many different times. I think, when people feel ready to kind of go outside and look for help With some parents, it is when the second child comes along and they've got a toddler, and the toddler starts hitting the baby and they're like, oh my gosh, I really don't know how to hold a boundary here. It's very difficult because mama bear comes out, because you want to protect the baby, but your other child is still a baby too, and again those thoughts from society start coming in about, like what a bad child you have. They're going to bully this. They're not, you know, they're never going to be good friends with their baby.
Speaker 2When, really, what's happening is, again, when we change, what we see is the baby is just really the change, the whole life of the toddler, you know, and the toddler doesn't understand how to express that and they're feeling very, very hurt.
Speaker 2And many times when we're feeling hurt, we need to not be alone in our emotions, and so sometimes that's why the hitting comes out, is it's the idea of, like, I want other people to understand how I feel, and so this is how I'm expressing that. So again, when you change what you see and then your communication with that toddler really starts to shift and change. But other times I have people coming to me they're really upset because their child seems to be changing a lot, because they're hitting the teenage years. They're really upset because their child seems to be changing a lot, because they're hitting the teenage years and maybe that child, their confidence, has really dropped. Or maybe the parent doesn't know how to communicate with their teenager anymore and the door feels like it's closed and maybe it's going to be closed forever and those parents are really afraid. They don't want to lose that child.
Speaker 1They don't want to lose that connection with them. I had to steel myself as two of my nephews started to approach the teen years, because you know it's wonderful when they want you around all the time. Even that can be tiring, and you know they want your opinion and they want all of this and you know you used to. You know, talk to them, be like, hi, what are you doing? They'd be like, well, I'm doing this and I did this at school and everyone. Then we played soccer and everything and I don't know about this, but you know what I really. And now when I talk to them, it's like, hey, how are you doing? Like what's up? Yeah, yeah. And and that to them is sufficient communication how are you fine?
Speaker 2what's going on in school?
Speaker 1nothing, you know. Just yeah, and fortunately you for me, I still get enough feedback because, yeah, I worry too. I'm like, do they still love me? And you know, I still get enough feedback from them. But I have to kind of say to myself, this is where they're supposed to be, this is what they're supposed to be doing and it's OK. You know, I have to reassure myself a lot, and so that's really interesting what you're about, and that you have to sort of strengthen that part of yourself so that you learn I guess I would say you learn not to worry as much as you may want to worry. Would that be correct? Is that kind of on the same line of what you're talking about?
Speaker 2Well, I would say that you know again that worrying comes, and so I'm able to equip the parents with how to communicate with their teen, to reconnect and to get that connection stronger than ever. Really that there are things that we can do. Yes, we might get more and more. You know, one word answers. Sometimes it is just the way the teens are, sometimes it's just how they're feeling. They want maybe a little bit more privacy or whatever. But at the same time, you know we can also see that some things may be shifted or changed in them and teens need to be chased just as much as toddlers do.
Speaker 2So the teens are not running physically, you know, but they still need that. They need us to pursue them and to pursue the relationship for sure. Yeah.
Speaker 1Okay, what are some of the differences that you would say as far as direct communication goes with a child that you know? If you have the you know under 12 crowd and then the over 12 crowd, how does your communication need to change as they get older?
The Power of Positive Parenting
Speaker 2So I mean, in a lot of ways the communication is very similar. The big changes that we talk about in language of listening is when we talk about the first tool, which is say what you see. This is where we validate, we connect with the child before we either, you know, encourage them to continue on in the behavior that we're seeing, that we like, or we're getting them to shift their behavior because we need to hold a boundary. And so, with the say what you see, we talk about and reflect back to the child what we see them saying, doing, thinking or feeling. And with the younger kids, they really really latch on to when you're relaying back to them what they're saying and doing. It's really really important to them. Little kids eat it up. You think about like a child who's maybe playing with some Play-Doh and you can really talk to them about like you know you're squishing it with your hands, it feels so soft and squishy. Or you know you're telling me that you want to make a snowman with the blue Play-Doh, that kind of an idea. Once people become teenagers and adults we shift over more to reflecting back what they're thinking and feeling. So those are the deeper kind of, you know, a more developed brain kind of connective way. Right, if a teenager, you know, doing their homework and we say like, oh, like you know, look, you chose to use the blue colored pencil to they just be like what I like you know, that wouldn't be so much right. But if we're able to connect with them more on, like what they're thinking and feeling, you know, then that's, then that's the way that it shifts.
Speaker 2But, you know, one way, one thing that we can kind of talk about is, though, you know, this idea of what do I do when my teenager, you know, kind of stops communicating, like, how can I reconnect? How can I reconnect? That sounds like a good place to go, does it? Yes, yeah, okay, yeah, yeah. Because, again, like you know, language of listening I love it because it, yeah, definitely to communicate.
Speaker 2And even the name, if you think about the name, language of listening, you know it's a way to speak that really gets you listening in a really positive way to the person that's in front of you, because when we can see the reality of what's in front of us and accept it, that's when we can, you know, really move forward with things.
Speaker 2So, with teenagers, you know and I've even had parents come to me that have adult children and they're desperate to reconnect with their adult children, and so the one tool that I always get people to start with when they want to reconnect with their child is the strengths tool, and the strengths tool is the one that we use when we're seeing behavior that we like, and so really being able to show our child, show our teenager, who they are by pointing out their strengths this is key and it's really it's's. There's such an amazing connection that happens when you're truly seen by another person. My favorite quote from language of listening the first time I heard it I started crying, and it was in a recording that the founder sandy had done um for her coaches. You know that I was listening to and I had to just keep going back and listening to her say it over and over again, and it was imagine not having to defend your intentions. The world feels like a much safer place around someone who can see your true intentions.
Speaker 2And when we can really, truly see the intentions of our children, but especially our teenagers, maybe when they start to pull away, Because we can start to get very worried and respond to the fear in those times. And so what we want to do is we want to start looking at really validating their good intentions. We want to do is we want to start looking at really validating their good intentions. Another relief that language of listening has a premise that we have that can replace some of those crappy beliefs that society gives us is that all behaviors are driven by three healthy needs experience, connection and power. All behaviors, every single thing that your child does, is driven by one of, or a combination of, those three needs. Now, it doesn't mean that Experience- power.
Speaker 1And what was the other one? Connection, Connection, Experience, connection and power.
Speaker 2Wow. And just because behaviors are driven by those healthy needs doesn't mean that all behaviors are healthy. So that's where we can come in and hold our boundaries right, where we're saying it's an unhealthy way to meet a need or it's a way that just crosses our boundary, a way that we don't like that our child is meeting a need, but it does mean that what's behind it is just a simple need. Any behavior that they're doing, there's just a simple, simple need there, and so just seeing that they're just trying to meet a need, again there's that idea of changing what you see so that wedge isn't getting, you know, shoved in there.
Speaker 2The really interesting thing is, too, is that a lot of people maybe don't realize or consider is when we're with children and again, like you're an aunt, we could be talking about teachers, we could be talking about grandparents, neighbors, anybody that's you know, around kids. Any child that has a relationship with an adult or any adult that's got a you know, a relationship with a child can help the child grow in their self-esteem and really we're informing the child how to think about themselves. We teach children how to think about themselves and we teach them how to talk to themselves. So our communication to our children is really teaching them their self-talk, is really teaching them how to talk to themselves. And so when we can A start looking and pointing out their intentions, the good intentions behind what they're doing, so that we're communicating that they're trustworthy individuals, they will start to trust themselves.
Speaker 2And the really cool thing is is that when a child starts to trust themselves, you'll see their behavior become very trustworthy behavior. You'll see their behavior start to shift. If it's behavior that you want to see shift or you know, you'll see that good behavior continue. And this is again the strengths tool. The strengths tool has two facets to it where, yes, when you directly see behavior that you like, you're going to point it out and it's going to increase that child behavior. Because the really cool thing about with children, when you point out their strengths, they actually start to create opportunities to continue to experience that strength.
Speaker 1It feels really good to them.
Empowering Positive Parent-Child Communication
Speaker 2It meets their need for power. I'll give you an example. So my youngest daughter, when she was about four or five. Well, I better start with my rule, my boundary, which was if a child finds a Sharpie marker, they must bring it to an adult. That was one of my rules in our house.
Speaker 2Oh, that's a smart one. Well, I had Sharpie marker on my floors and on my walls and on my furniture, so this was a boundary for me, you know. And so I was in the dining room with my daughter and she found a Sharpie marker behind the cabinet. And she found it and she started. She started bringing it to me with a big smile on her face, you know, she was holding it out and big smile on her face. And then she changed her mind at the last minute and that marker went up against her chest and her hand went over the marker and she got this like look in her eyes, you know, she squinted her eyes at me and she was like, after all, I changed my mind, kind of a thing, right, and my brain went into a panic place that everybody who works with children, our brains go into that panic place when it looks like they're testing our boundaries, right, and I started thinking what am I going to do? Do I send her to a room? Like I'm bigger than her, I can grab it from her. What's she going to do with that marker? She's going to, you know, mark it all over the walls. And then I'm like hold on, rose it.
Speaker 2What does language of listening, say well, it says first validate the child. Say what you see. So I said what I saw. I said you, you found a sharpie marker and you started bringing it to me. In that moment I actually named what we call a hidden strength and I said that shows you know how to follow the rules. And you know what happened to Amy? The smile came back. The hand came off the marker, the marker got handed right to me and I was like how did that become so easy? Yeah, that's so easy. Not only that is it changed her behavior around Sharpie markers. From then on. She loved to know that she was someone who followed the rules, that knew how to follow the rules. So she actually started just looking for Sharpie markers whenever she could so she could bring it to me and experience herself as someone who knows how to follow them.
Speaker 1Oh, I'm getting it. I'm absolutely getting it, as far as you know, getting a kind of positive reinforcement. Yeah, and they're you know, and she's doing it for herself and she's doing it for herself.
Speaker 2That is key, because so many parents, I think, today we didn't get the encouragement that we needed. We want kids to feel really good about themselves, and so we will pour out a lot of praise on them. Good girl, good boy, you make mommy and daddy so proud, and that is a wonderful motivation. That's a wonderful thought, a wonderful desire, but the thing is is, when we're using praise with our children, we're actually really only teaching them that they have one strength, which is to be a people pleaser. You're really good at making other people happy, right, but what you said about she did it for herself. That's the key. This is why we all use say what you see first, and the way that we use say what you see when you're using the strengths tool is to give the proof.
Speaker 1You give the real world proof.
Speaker 2You found a Sharpie marker and you started giving it to me and then naming the strength. That shows you how to follow the rule and the premise behind that. Let's talk about the belief, because this is where we started our conversation, right that we're changing what we believe about children. So the premise behind that is that children have every possible inner strength. Every strength that's out there is available to your child is inside your child. Children have every possible inner strength and they act according to who they believe they are. I mentioned that kind of a little bit already about how we all act according to who we believe we are. So our children act according to who they believe they are. So if we see a behavior in our child that we don't like, if we can shift what they believe about themselves, there's a really good chance that that behavior is going to shift fairly quickly as well.
Speaker 2Okay, wow, we act as though we are who we believe we are. Yeah, we act according to who we believe we are. That's very profound.
Speaker 1I could dive into that for a long time. I think you probably deal with that a lot. See, we act as though we are who we believe we are and yeah, when I would guess. Well, I can say, when you're a child I was one that you're sort of searching for that and you need reinforcement and you need boundary, but maybe not as we were sort of. We sort of experienced growing up, which was they were just imposed, they were just a don't this again and I'm like well, you know why that sounds.
Speaker 1you know it was pretty interesting to me, maybe.
Speaker 2I will, and you were just meeting a need, and needs have to get met Right. And so when we can communicate to the child or have a communication with them in language of listening, we often invite them into problem solving and say, hey, what's another way that you could meet this need that's still going to feel satisfying for you but actually falls within my boundary?
Speaker 1Okay, yeah, oh, that's fantastic. That's fantastic. So tell me a little bit more about you know, when your child's communicating with you, because a lot of times, as you said, we maybe wrongly focus on just how to communicate to the child, which can turn into imposing beliefs on the child. What about when your child's?
Speaker 2communicating with you.
Speaker 2So a big worry that I find a lot of parents have, in particular when their child is communicating with them, is that backtalk, or is when the child will say like you're the worst mom in the world, I hate you, I never want to see you again.
Reparenting Through Language of Listening
Speaker 2That kind of an idea. Those are really difficult words to hear and they can really feel like a punch to the gut and really affect us, and so one of the things that a parent can do in that moment, this is one of the ways again that we look for hidden strengths or we go look for that good intention that we were talking about. Later, you know, the more we can just kind of open up to where's the intention here, Where's the where's the true intention? Because true intentions are always good. They're always about trying to meet a need and even in those moments, believe it or not, many times it's our kids trying to connect with us. Sometimes it's that they want us, yeah, Sometimes they're like that toddler where they're trying to express how much hurt they have, and so they want you to feel the same hurt that they're experiencing inside. They want you to understand the distance they're feeling in that moment.
Speaker 2And so a very specific thing that language of listening teaches is that we can take our children's complaints and turn them into wishes, which takes our child from being powerless in something that they don't like or they're really struggling with, and showing them what the possibilities are, even if they're just imagining it. But many times it just can be the real deal, you know. And so an example is if a child says to their parent you're so mean. What's the complaint really? Like you're so. You're being so mean to me. You're such a mean parent, you're such a mean to me. You're such a mean parent, you're such a mean mom, you're such a mean dad.
Speaker 2What's the actual wish? What does the child want? They actually just want the parent to be nice or they want connection. That's what they want. Wants are so key.
Speaker 2Our wants are connected to our identity actually, and so really understanding what the child wants when they're complaining about something like I remember one daughter was complaining that they're like you know, sophie's playing her music too loud and I was like, oh, you wish Sophie would turn her music down and you can go and ask her to do that.
Speaker 2You know, like it's this, you have power in this situation, you know. But if your teenager's really geared up to really emotional maybe you're emotional too and they're just like you're so mean I hate you and you just say we just wish that I was nicer to you Because you'd actually rather be connected in this moment, that's actually what you want. If you just want me to treat you like nothing, like talk about de-escalating a situation and I might not fully de-escalate it Because that child may still have tons of you know hormones running through their system and when I talk about hormones I don't mean like the teenage ones that are rushing through the system, but I'm talking about those hormones or those things that get released in our body when we're in fight or flight. You know the stress hormones yeah.
Speaker 2You know, and so sometimes that means that means that the child still needs to get some frustration out or whatever, and that's fine, and that's another thing we handle in language of listening too. Is, you know, parents really feeling secure in how they're moving their frustration through their system so that they can model it for their children? That's so important, that idea of just again getting back to their intentions true intentions true intentions are always good and pure and whole and really believing that about your child, because then that's where the child is going to shift. And that's where the child is going to shift and that's what they're going to start believing about themselves too, right, like, instead of saying back to them like you can't speak to me that way, or like who's being mean, you're the rude one, right? That doesn't help our situation and it's not actually what we truly want.
Speaker 2We don't want more disconnection with our children. In that moment, right, what we actually one is connection. Maybe we're wishing they would be nicer to us too. But whose job is it to model how to be nice to someone when you're in fight or flight, or how to be nice to someone when you're having a difficult conversation with them? That's our job. It's not up to them to do that. First, they need to see how to do it. You know through how we do it, and it's hard. It can be really, really hard, and that's where the reparent comes in, where we can use the tools on ourselves to re-bearn ourselves, you know, to get to what we truly want to be able to express our full identities in the world and in our parenting.
Speaker 1And it sounds like so, the language of listening. You've pretty much showed me how it can cover the entire world, as far as whoever you are, you can use this and benefit from this, and that is wonderful, and you've had parents with adult children. You've had, you've used it, and other adults can use it To reparent yourself. How does that work? How do you use the language of listening to start reparenting?
Speaker 2yourself. That's a great question. So I mean, in a sense, it is a lot of shifting your self-talk. It is a language, it's a way of speaking right, it's a way of seeing things and it's a way of speaking. And so when we reparent ourselves or when I talk to you know, coach people on this is you really do use the tools with yourself.
Speaker 2So when you're you could be upset about something, you could be happy about something you know. But you start with that, say what you see for yourself. But you speak to yourself using the word you as if you're an observer. So you can get in the bathroom and you know if you're upset with your, with your significant other, you're upset with your kids or whatever. You know you need to be alone. Get in the bathroom, close the door, lock the door, get in front of the mirror and speak to yourself using that validation. You're so frustrated right now. This feels really really hard. You just want to walk out that door and come back, or however and however extreme the validation is. Whatever you're thinking and feeling, it's fine, it's just the more extreme it is. You know, walk out the door, never come back. That seems really extreme, probably not actually really what you want to do.
Speaker 2Um, or it could be, you know but, all the same, you know that that how, how big it is, is just, it's probably very reflective of how much you've been stuffing those feelings and how much those feelings haven't had a chance to, you know, be aired out and be heard. And so the really cool thing is, once you start to validate yourself, you do move into what you want. That's the next step is start to really realize what you want in that moment. So what is it that you want? You know, if you're really, really frustrated with your child because you've asked them 10 times, nicely, to put their shoes on, they're still playing with their Niki cars.
Speaker 2You know, and you're going to be late and you're really upset. You know, what is it that you actually want? Well, probably what you wanted was to know that your child would put the shoes on the first time. You asked, yeah, simple as that, you know. And then you're like, oh, that's what I want. And then you can move into the can-dos, which is the boundary holding tools. Like, what is it that I can do to get what I want in this moment? You know that I'm going to feel proud of that. I'm going to be okay with.
Speaker 2Sometimes people struggle with their wants. Sometimes they're really like is my want okay? This is like the really tricky part of the program that I have with people. It's the trickiest part but it can be so life-giving is. I do teach people to look at their wants and then find the strengths that their wants show that they have right.
Speaker 2And so if we take that example of you know, you just want your child to put their shoes on the first time, they ask well, there's lots of good reasons why. Maybe you've got a younger child that you have to get ready, or maybe you have some things that you have to. You know you have to pack some bags or do some other things to get ready, and you just want that child to be able to, you know, get their shoes on. You know that they can do it. You just want them to be able to do it right away, and sometimes it's as simple as just saying that to them. You know, this is like such a basic piece of communication that so many of us miss.
Speaker 2My parenting changed when I started saying to my kid you know, I'd like you to do this and I'd like you to do it right away. And then, you know, eight times out of 10, nine times out of 10, they'd hop up and do it right away. Otherwise, they do it on their own time, because we do things on our own time when they ask us to do things right. So if we're clearly communicating to them, then I'd like you to do it right away, you know. So that's one can-do that a parent might come up with. But that idea of sorry, going back to like, what are the strengths that are attached to your wants? Well, I mean, you're a person who likes to be on time. You're a responsible person.
Speaker 1That's one of them.
Speaker 2There's many strengths right. Like you know, you need to feel not so stressed when you get out the door. That's an important strength to know what you need to keep your stress levels down. You know what you need to keep your stress levels down. And so can you see how that's using the strengths tool to really repair yourself?
Speaker 1Because actually, yes, I think, because I think a lot of times we're told that whatever we want, we can't. Wanting things can be selfish and a lot of times you can feel that way like, well, I want this, but I have to consider all these other things. But looking at it in terms of, well, I want this, and that's because I'm a person with strength, I'm a person you know that does and affirming, and you know special way to go about it. And yeah, you've absolutely got me on the train. It's really wonderful.
Speaker 2Yeah, because even in that moment you know another strength is like I'm a person who's teaching their children how to be on time. I'm a person who's modeling responsibility for their children. Like it can be about other people, but that's the interesting thing about wants is we? We many times we were panicked in a way that made our wants a problem. But, remember I said, our wants are connected to our identity. So when our wants are a problem, then our identity becomes a problem.
Empowering Validation and Affirmation
Speaker 2This is why I love teaching parents how to teach their kids how to deal with disappointment, because many times when our kids are disappointed about things, we feel uncomfortable with their disappointment. We think that, yeah, maybe they're being selfish or maybe their wants are causing problems, and so this is what we communicate to them is your wants are causing problems? But instead what we can do is we can validate the want, which validates their identity. So some people think the only way to validate a want is actually by giving the child what they want. No, that's not. The only way to validate a want is like actually by giving the child what they want. No, it's not the only way to validate a want. You just validate it. You just do say what you see. You really wish you'd have been invited to that birthday party and it's so disappointing, feels so disappointing. What's the need there? Right then we go into the. What does the child need? What need are they trying to meet? Is this a need for connection?
Speaker 2they wanted to feel accepted and connected, right so it must be another way you can feel connected with your friends on the weekend, even though you don't get to go to the birthday party. And it's so empowering and it affirms their identity instead of saying like, no, you can't be. You know, people can invite whoever they want to a birthday party. What are you crying about? Don't be a baby. That doesn't give them any tools. It gives them no life skills, except for stuffing their identity.
Speaker 1Right life skills, except for stuffing their identity, right? It's so interesting that you talk about identity and I have to go off on a little tangent here, because I was recently reading the book Atomic Habits by James Clear and he talks a lot about how, as we transition into different things in life, we can lose our identity. You know, he said somebody who is a soldier in the Army, when they transition out, who do they become? And all the things that you know were good about being a soldier seem to disappear once you no longer have that identity. And he said that what you do is, instead of saying, well, I'm a good soldier because I'm excellent at a team and I'm good at leadership, and I'm, you know, good at this and that that you just transition into, I am a good person because I'm excellent on a team, I'm good at leadership, and you know, and these qualities help me go forward.
Speaker 1So what you're saying just really connected with me for a second. You know, with that book, I thought that was, you know, really fascinating. And I think to say to a child you know, of course you want to be at that party, your friends are there and you're a good friend and you know you wanted to be there to support the birthday kid or whatever, and you know, I just yeah, yeah again. That's so validating and affirming and empowers, not right, yeah?
Speaker 2her life. You know like I mean, if you think about, for example, at Christmas, when kids are asking for, like all the different or whatever holiday that you celebrate where gifts are given, you know, you know kids they'll, they could want a lot and and maybe they come and ask for the latest video game set and you're just like I already bought all their presents that video. There's no way I'm getting them that, you know that video game, and so we could just tell.
Speaker 2Sometimes we get upset again and frustrated and we might say like no, you know, too expensive or you know whatever. You could just say, like all of your gifts are already bought, you know, and you really, really want that video game system. It must be something you can do to still get it. I can't, I'm not buying it for you, I can't, you know it's not what's happening. But there must be something you can do. And like I mean, I live in Canada so we got lots of snow.
Speaker 2We had some really sweet young guys come to our door this winter and say they came with their shovels and they're. I just had to be like, yeah, I do like, because I just I was so excited for them, because it's like a thing that never happens anymore, like kids going around the neighborhood and I just thought these kids are so great. But like, imagine the kid who starts his own snow shoveling business and he earns the money to buy himself a video game system. Like, yeah, what life skills and what like validating experiences has this child have? Empowering, you know, not because you're like you're asking for too much, but can give it to you, but there's got to be some way. There's got to be some way that you can get.
Speaker 1Yeah, Again affirming and putting the control back on the child. Yeah.
Speaker 2And saying it's possible for you. I believe it's possible for you and saying it's possible for you.
Speaker 1I believe it's possible for you, yeah, and you're not getting tangled up in the argument of well, you can't have it. You know well, I don't have the resources right now, so you can't have it? Yeah, because we get hooked up on that Bypassing that?
Speaker 2Right, then all our financial worries, probably, we probably wish we could buy our kids all the video game systems you know, or whatever you know, whatever those good things are that you want to provide for your kids, the things that you think are good, um, you know, and that's where that reparenting comes in, where that self-coaching comes in. You know, when those feelings come up, your feelings are equally as important as your child's feelings. This is not about stuffing yourself either. This is about really also caring for your own feelings and that they're all driven by those three healthy needs experience, connection and power. Right? So maybe in that moment you're feeling powerless so you can get in the bathroom, close the door, validate yourself using, say what you see, figure out what it is that you want and just really validate your experience and your wants and also validate theirs, you know you can do both but sometimes we got to do our own first, and that's okay.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah, that's true, but that's also good. It's good to notice that and to say I am going to take care of myself first, because a lot of times, especially with children, we don't feel that we can do that.
Speaker 2So this is wonderful, this is you know unfortunately, we're coming close to the time that we have to wrap up but if you would have every possible inner strength and they act according to who they believe they are. And so, in order for us to start parenting from that belief, that new belief, language of listening, gives us this tool that we can practice over and over again. That's very effective with our children too, so it just lays it out very clearly. So, before we use the strengths tool, we do use that say what you see. And I'll give the premise for the say what you see as well, so that we can get that belief in there. And that is everything children do and say is communication, and they must continue to communicate until they are heard. Everything they do and say is it's just a communication, it's a communication, okay. And so so we yeah again, you do say what you see. You give that real world, real world proof first of what they did, like I did with my daughter, where I said you found a Sharpie marker and you started giving it to me, right. And then you name the strength and that shows you know how to follow the rule Right and that it does start to change their, it starts to change their mind and it does teach them how to speak to themselves.
Speaker 2I have one client that came to me. She was so excited one day because one of my favorite parts is about this model and coaching people and it is when my clients come to me and they start telling me that their children are not communicating using these ways of speaking and even using it with themselves, which is what this example is. This little girl came to her mom and she said Mom, guess what? I just cleaned my desk. Guess what I just cleaned my desk. That shows I'm responsible. I was like this is what's going through this kid's head. Like if we could go through our lives and just be like I got myself to work on time. I'm responsible, right. Like we don't. When we're like three minutes late, we're like in fight or flight and we think we're a horrible person and we're so worried that everybody's going to you know hate on us or think that we're a bad person. Like we always pay attention to those parts of ourselves that are getting it wrong.
Speaker 2Right, but if we can, start to retrain our own brains. You know again, I'm just so happy for this girl to know like this is how she speaks to herself, if she notices the good things she does and and like she notices the real world proof I clean my desk that shows.
Speaker 2I'm responsible. You know, I just think that's so, so beautiful, so again, being able to offer that to our children. But I mean, there's nothing like and let's go back to that one quote that I gave too about like, imagine not having to defend your intentions. The world feels like a safer place around someone who sees your true intentions. There's nothing like the relationship that gets built when somebody trusts you so much and they bother to take the time to uncover what your true intentions are Right, when somebody trusts you so much and they bother to take the time to uncover what your true intentions are Right.
Speaker 2And a very quick way that people can do that this will be a good thing for me to share is it's something that, in language of listening, we call the great kid question and we say why would a great kid do that? So we start from the foundation of I got a great kid, so why would they do this thing? That just seems like not a cool thing to do, you know. And so start from there to start to uncover those good intentions in your child, and once you can name the good intentions, it draws those good intentions out and it gives you a chance to coach that child and communicate with them. Here's a really good way to use that intention in a way that's going to benefit you personally and socially right. It's going to benefit your relationships as well, right, and you just. The trust that gets established in a relationship where your parent a parent-child relationship, or an adult, like you know, an auntie-nephew relationship, right, yeah, and so like, when you're that adult in their life that shows them how they can trust themselves.
Speaker 2The trust that's in that relationship is like no other trust that can ever be established I think that's my opinion is that like just that person that sees who you truly are and encourages that part of yourself to the surface so that you have access to it. When you coach a child using these tools and they have access to their best selves in their worst moments, that is you wow, that is huge.
Speaker 1That's huge. Wow, that is huge. That's something that I never before considered. That, you know, even I didn't have. You know, I don't think I have access to the best of myself in the worst possible moment. It would be great. I'm certainly thinking about it now and, you know, just thinking how that would change things. Um, well, that's how that would change things. That's incredible.
Speaker 2That is incredible, you got it.
Speaker 1Yeah, I'm just letting it filter in. So, rosemary, this has been an incredible day. Like I said, I have certainly made changes in my own way of thinking just through talking with you at this episode, but if our listeners want to get in touch with you, what is the best way for them to do that?
Speaker 2Well, you mentioned my email at the beginning, right lovetheyouparent at gmailcom.
Speaker 2But you can also find me at lovetheyouparentcom.
Speaker 2And if you go on Facebook or if you go on Instagram, you can search Love the Way you Parent and you know I should come up there and you can follow me there and, you know, communicate with me in any way that you know feels comfortable. There's all of those ways you can communicate with me. And if, yeah, somebody's interested in working with me, I have a shorter program, which is called True Confidence, which is about teaching you really diving into the strengths tool, looking for strengths and hidden strengths, particularly for those people that really want to be able to connect with their kids and really establish that trust in the relationship that you and I were just talking about. And then I have the longer 12-week program, which is for parents who want to love the way they parent and want to dive into the whole model and learn the three tools and learn how to use them with their children and with themselves, and even with their spouses and their partners or whatever, you know, all those places where they can learn the language of listening. Okay fantastic.
Speaker 1We'll make sure that that's all in the show notes, rosemary Clark, I thank you so much for being here today.
Speaker 2Oh, thank you so much for having me, Amy. It was wonderful.
Speaker 1Thank you for joining us today. If you're enjoying the show, please leave us a like and a review. It really helps us grow. Don't forget to check out Rosemary and her courses at lovetheyouparentcom. Her link will be in the show notes. It was great to have you here today. We'll see you next time.
